A decision...

to blog about it. About the loss of a baby. Why? Why now?

I found this quote and it makes me cry,
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."~author unknown

I've decided to be open about the loss of our baby for many reasons. First, I feel very strongly that the baby we lost was a life that deserves to be acknowledged, to be known, to never be forgotten. For 9 short weeks, I carried a baby I will never meet, never hold, never kiss, never cuddle, never know whether it was a boy or a girl. 9 weeks may seem like a short time and in fact it was too short. However, in that short amount of time, we fell deeply in love with our little one. We had hopes and dreams for him or her. We dreamed of how Lauren would react when we told her she was going to be a big sister. We dreamed so many things and those dreams all came crashing down very unexpectedly. What was supposed to be one of life's happiest moments...when you see your healthy baby on an ultrasound, turned out to be our most difficult day. To hear my OB say, "I'm very, very sorry Mindy but your baby has stopped growing and doesn't have a heartbeat." Those were words I never expected, words no parent should ever have to endure.

So what are my other reasons for being open about our loss? Because my OB said that 1 out of every 6 clinically-diagnosed pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Because when our "options" were explained to us, I didn't know of anyone I could call who had been through this, who could understand and tell me what they chose and how they handled it emotionally. I do not want any of our friends or family members to one day be faced with the loss of a pregnancy. But if YOU, my friends and family members who may be reading this, are ever faced with this, then please know that Chad and I have gone through it and you can talk about it with us. We are being open about it because maybe we will be able to provide support in the future if this happens to someone else close to us.

How are we doing now? Well, physically, I've healed and am doing well. I still go to the doctor bi-weekly for bloodwork to ensure that my HCG levels are dropping. It is SO hard to go in to the OB's office and sit in the waiting room among women who are obviously pregnant and know I'm there because I'm not anymore. It's heartbreaking all over again every time I go in there. I think Chad is keeping himself busy with helping me and with putting the finishing touches on our house. He is a self-described "fixer". He likes to have control and to "fix" things that need fixing. He has struggled with the inability to fix this situation and is taking one day at a time right alongside me.

Emotionally, I think we're doing okkaaaaayy. I say that with hesitation. Yesterday was very difficult for me. Yesterday, I would have been 12 weeks along. I had envisioned telling my co-workers and friends yesterday. Instead, I'm sharing my news that we lost a baby so that we might provide someone else with some comfort in the future if (and statistics say WHEN) they may be faced with this themselves one day. We went to a support group at the hospital this week that was really helpful. It's a club nobody ever wants to belong to, but it does provide a lot of comfort and understanding from others who are facing similar heartbreaking situations.

I think I'll end here for now. This has been helpful just to put some of my thoughts onto paper. Thank you for "listening". If you want to see pics of the house we're moving into in less than a month, scroll down. I updated with more pictures last night.
~M